Story District has launched a new monthly series: Worst Case Scenarios and I was psyched to be included in the inaugural show. Eight storytellers, including myself, took to the stage at DCImprov Comedy Club to share the stories of our hysterical, disastrous and often very brief careers: in retail, in coffee shops, a video store and more.
My story tells the tale of my high school flameout career in the animal kingdom. Disastrous to a teenager, it is hysterical now. And I knew deep in my heart this job would finally pay off.
In the medieval sense, an alchemist is a philosopher who takes what is base and spins it into gold. A scientist in pursuit of the elixir of life.
Yep, that’s me, fits me to a “t.” But alchemist also fits in the 21st century sense.
According to my EVO Planner, this is how my brain is wired.
Alchemists gravitate toward the abstract and theoretical. They prefer experimenting with their ideas in the real world, and develop a lot of their key ideas while interacting with other people. They are mostly focused on the future and the possibilities it holds.
Ah, music to my alchemist ears: focused on the future and all the possibilities it holds.
I am about to turn 64. Can you believe it? (Here is where you say, “No, you could not possibly be turning 64!”) And vanity has made me ever grateful for my mother’s genes – people have mistaken us both in our lifetimes for a bit younger than we actually are.
64 is two times 32, right? And if you ask me that is how I feel. Two rocking 32 year olds – with a peacock feather streak of color in my gray hair. (Thank you, Olivia at Salon de Zen.) I am not my mother’s or my grandmother’s Oldsmobile, so to speak.
And 64 for me is far larger than my 46. Not simply numerically but expansively. Sure, I am 17 years older but I am also, 17 years more evolved, 17 years more alive than I have ever been.
At 46 I actually faced some of my most difficult days. My marriage imploded. The church where I was rector crashed down around my ears. In my darkest of days, it actually hurt to open eyes and it seemed better perhaps if I no longer did.
But this darkness led me to light.
I took a two-week cruise on the good ship Dominion in 2003. I actually LOVED being on the psyche ward. It totally saved my life. And it set me on a 16 year trajectory of redefining and reclaiming, resurrecting and reimagining who I am.
With God’s help, of course, I am a person of faith. But also with more than a little help from friends and family and therapists and work.
And….
I am going to tell you the truth (not to sound conceited.) The biggest help to me was me. Me, myself, and I.
I have made a bazillion daily decisions over the last 6,0205 days. Each a little choice, each a small turn in the direction of my future and not my past. Step by step by step, the steps add up until a few small steps add up to one enormous leap. A leap into the fullness of my life.
And I am grateful for the sun that has come up everyday and thankful for every breath that I have been blessed to breathe – that have brought me happy and whole to this day.
So 64 is the new 46! And in no particular order, let me count the ways.
Coffee.
Colored pens.
Shelves full of books.
A closet full of dresses.
Half a dozen pairs of walking shoes.
A dog named Bailey.
Two Tabbies: Cheshire & Charlie.
Baptizing babies.
Performing on stage.
Six million rounds of the rosary.
Walking in God’s great outdoors.
Three half marathons.
Three little pills I take each night.
Three years with Sondra on the therapist’s couch.
Ten years prior with Mary.
Four rocking adult children: Rebecca, Zach, Colleen & Jacob.
Four gospels to preach.
An office to call my own.
Colleagues who are more than colleagues.
Coworkers who have become friends.
Digital connectivity in cyberspace.
Gathering folks in God’s name.
Regular dips in the pool.
Fire in my fireplace and pillows to rearrange.
My soul sister, Mical.
My soul brothers, Neal and Chuck.
A little bit of chocolate every day.
Canadian sister Maureen, big bro Tim & baby brother Joseph — age 58!(and maybe the other siblings, too.)
This past spring I was honored and overjoyed to be part of NPR Invisibilia’s first live event with Story District.
My Sur/real story of the summer of 2005 –navigating the space between the mystical and the manic — was one of six selected.
I felt a bit like an impostor – included with other heavy hitting storytellers I am in awe of. Working with Amy Saidman, Story District’s Artistic Director is an exercise in the craft of first class storytelling.
Each eight minute story is the end product of several coaching sessions, rewrites and rehearsals. It’s a rare and rewarding collaborative creative process.
And finally my knee-knocking performance April 17th at the Lincoln Theatre in front of a packed audience. Yikes!
Exciting for me but also I really hope my story might resonate with yours. All those listening who also have the gift of a bipolar brain. And those whose spiritual life lights up their world. This one is for you!
The third annual U&U List, full of twists and turns, blessing and curse, presented in whimsical and random order for your year ending contemplation and consideration. (And once you’ve read mine, grab pen and paper and come up with your own!)
2016/2017
61/62
I’m with Her/I’m Still with Her
Bishop Payne Library/Library of Congress
Ghost of Christmas Present/Ghost of Christmas Future
Story District 1st 2nd Tuesday/Story District 2nd 2nd Tuesday
Unorthodox&Unhinged/Sex&The Single Vicar
Milk/Almond Milk
Mulder/David Duchovny
Whole Foods/Harris Teeter
Blogger/Author
Kindle Fire/iPad Mini
Target/Lululemon
Killer ESP/Killer ESP
Kind Bars/Dangerously Delicious Pies
OK Cupid/DC Singles
#NeverTrump/#NeverEverEverTrump
Old Town/Capitol Hill
Metro/Uber
Priest Associate/Associate for Liturgy & Hilarity
La Croix/Spindrift
“Going Clear”/”The Path”
TOMS/Bucketfeet
Knowledge/Wisdom
Maniac/Bibliomaniac
Caffeine/Half Caf
Half Marathons/Half Measures
Lewis Carroll/Christmas Carols
Vacuuming/Dusting
Alphabetical/Color Coded
Worshipper/Whisperer
Friend/Femme Fatale
Sirius XM/Spotify
Keeping Secrets/Spilling the Beans
Break Ups/Make Ups
Cider/IPA
Mom/Mom-in-law
Procrastinator/Finisher
Wedding Chapels/Baptismal Fonts
Aunt Joani/Great Aunt Joani
Nail Biting/Manicures
Rosary Beads/Meditation Apps
Head Bands/Head Space
Fair Trade/Free Trade
Off the Cuff/Office Hours
Early Voting/Emigrating
Curtains/Shades
Tights/Spanx
Blue Glasses/Red Spectacles
Gray Hair/God’s Highlights
Preacher/Teacher
Possibility/Possibilities Publishing
God with us/God within us
Burt’s Bees/Bella Cara
Backpack/Purse
Matchie-Matchie/Mix&Matchie
Out of the Pool/Into the Fire
Road Tripper/Time Traveller
Fit to be tied/Wii Fit
Mood Swings/Climate Changes
6:30/Half Past Six
Business/Pleasure
Ribbon/String
Coworkers/Coconspirators
Democrat/Citizen
Ball Points/Felt Tips
Stuffed Animals/Animal Shelters
Feel the Bern/Feel the Pain
Saint Robin (Williams)/Saint Carrie (Fisher)
“The Tudors”/”The Crown”
Potted Plants/Fresh Flowers
Le Pain Quotodien/Carluccio’s
Starbucks/Stumptown
Victoria’s Secret/Bloomers
Pajamas/Slips
Turtlenecks/Cowl Necks
Collecting/Contemplating
Safety Nets/Safety Pins
Bitches/Bichon Frises
Krispy Kreme/Sugar Shack
Amazon.com/East City Bookshop
Left Turn/”The Right Turn”
Huntley Meadows Nature Park/Flirtatious Downtown Dog Park
Hand Dryers/Paper Towels
E-book/Real Book
Facebook/Instagram
WNS4950/JLPU&U
Baby Spinach/Grownup Kale
Friday Therapy/Wednesday Therapy
Blissed/Blessed
Digestive System/Solar System
Irritable/Anxious
Banker/Debtor
Songster/Dancer
Babbler/Believer
Off Ramp/On Ramp
Oak Trees/Acorns
Hipster/Hope Peddler
Peacock/Like the Bird
Middle Child/Going Wild
Star Gazer/Earth Dweller
And I am ecstatically, exquisitely, eternally grateful to the Creator of the Universe, the Very Ground of my Being for each and every day of each and every year.
Each and every day, even if it be the worst day, is a holy day, a gift.
June 4ththe 9:30 Club was packed with joy and celebration. Happy gay people (and straight people) were everywhere! Coproduced with Capital Pride, Out/Spoken is Story District’s 6th Annual Pride show in DC. Eight great storytellers shared their “true stories told through an LGBT lens”. Revealing, poignant, hilarious, powerful, and moving, I was honored to be a part of it for the very first time.
Out/Spoken is far from done. This fall it’s going on tour. Funded by a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts and sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign, Out/Spoken is headed south. In October the show travels to Atlanta, in November to Birmingham. Yes, by design, directly on to the battleground for LGBTQ equality.
After Orlando, the tour could not be more important. Amy Saidman, SD’s Creative Executive Director, has pledged to redouble Story District’s commitment to bring LGBTQ voices to the stage.
While U&U was on hiatus, I was honored to guest blog for Out/Spoken. I interviewed and “spotlighted” the co-director, the animator, and four of the storytellers.
Amazing people all of them, they will share their stories where LGBTQ voices are seldom heard. There will be local storytellers too – both in Atlanta and Birmingham.
U&U is all about coming out. Coming out of my particular closet. I’ve come out in writing. I’ve come out at work. I’ve come out with friends. I’ve even come out “Unhinged” on stage – the Story District stage — three times. I’ve come out of my bipolar closet to make a difference. Come out crazy.
And now I am excited to report that U&U is going on a little holiday!
I am so psyched to follow this groundbreaking show! Thank you, Story District! Its an honor to sit down with Out/Spoken’s producers, directors and storytellers. I hope the profiles I post along the way will do them all justice, peak your interest, sell more tickets, and help pack the house!
So it seems appropriate to repost my own coming out story — “Naked in Public, or Coming Out Crazy” — first published on U&U in November of 2014.
Here I go.
Naked.
Buck naked.
Locker room naked.
Blame the nuns. Blame eleven years of parochial school. I have never been comfortable naked in the company of strangers. I can count on one hand the number of people in my entire lifetime who have seen me in my altogether. This includes my dear departed mother who changed my diapers:)
Catholic school can mess with your mind and create a crazy kind of modesty. The good sisters told us to put talcum powder in the bath water so we would not see our own naked selves. The water literally had to cover us up to our necks! I guess we were supposed to get undressed with our eyes closed.
So….
High school gym class, I never took a shower. Two years of softball practice, I never took a shower. Three years on the Immaculata basketball team, I never took a shower. Personal hygiene be damned, I never took a shower.
But…
Not because I was modest — because I was TERRIFIED. I was terrified of being exposed. Terrified of baring my bare self to the world. Terrified the world would know everything about me. Terrified of being naked in public.
I am still terrified. I am in the pool twice a week at my local rec center. The locker room is awash with naked ladies of every shape and size. A room full of naked ladies — totally comfortable and free as a breeze. Not me. I go into the “closet” and change my clothes. God forbid a neighbor sees me! God forbid a parishioner sees me! God forbid anybody — but me — sees me.
Totally exposed. Totally vulnerable. Totally out of control. Bare naked for all the world to see.
It is not easy for this bipolar soul to step out of the locker room closet. Those of us who are bipolar have to be very careful where we bare our souls. We have to be very, very careful coming out this particular closet.
Coming out — crazy.
Be careful how you come out. You risk being labeled, categorized, stigmatized, and marginalized. You risk condescension and discrimination. You risk being stereotyped and stuck in a box. You risk being hurt.
A friend– who should know better — told me not to risk it. No one will hire you. No church will call you. You will never be a rector. Maybe never even an associate again. Maybe not even a supply priest. Stay in the closet. Don’t come out. It’s way too risky.
So I didn’t. Instead I tried to educate, elucidate, and illuminate the IGNORANT and the INDIFFERENT with FACTS and FIGURES. Do you know 25% of the world walks around with a mental health issue? Do you know 60% of us will have a mental health issue in our lifetimes? Facts and figures are all well and good. But facts and figures alone make very little difference. Very little difference indeed.
So I took a risk.
I decided that I had to come out of this particular closet. Six years ago I came out to my boss. Four years ago, I came out in the pulpit. I have come out in church forums more than a few times. I now have come out – crazy — in five different parishes.
And in April of 2014, I came out on Unorthodox & Unhinged. And with this post – in words — I have now come out 87 times.
Naked at work.
Naked at church.
Naked on the internet. FaceBooked. Tweeted.
And with this 87th post — a repost of #32, November 6, 2014 — I come out in living color — totally exposed. Kristin Adair, a good friend and mental health advocate, is also a budding photo-journalist. Kristin asked if she could shadow me at work, at home, at church – to profile in pictures — a bipolar life.
Walking the dog, eating breakfast, watching TV, taking meds, hiking Huntley Meadows, blogging on my couch, celebrating the Eucharist.
In my pajamas. In my sweats. In my kitchen. In my bedroom.
Out of this crazy closet — naked for all the world to see.
(Just click the “play arrow” and you can see too!)
And the truth be told — naked — we all look pretty much look alike. Naked — we all have just have about everything in common. Exposed. Vulnerable. Shaking like a leaf — naked as the day we were born – we all look pretty much alike.
Now Adam and Eve tried to cover up with fig leaves. Naked and ashamed and cast out east of Eden. But biblically speaking — Adam and Eve got this naked thing all wrong. And biblically speaking, the flawed and famous King David — got it so, so right.
David paraded the Ark of the Covenant into the city he named for himself…. all the citizens “making merry before the Lord with all their might, with songs, and lyres and harps, and tambourines, and castanets, and cymbals…. David danced before the Lord with all his might… leaping and shouting”…naked as the day he was born….(2 Samuel 6,7)
Michal, his wife, was mortified. David, however, was glorified. Glorified by the God who chose him. Glorified by the God who loved him. Glorified by the God who created him – flaws and all – warts and all. Unashamedly, unabashedly loved him.
So friends, are you ready to get naked with me? Are you ready to get naked in public?
Matters of the mind – especially of the bipolar kind — is what this little blog is all about.
Last year on April 25th, I gave birth to my brain child:Unhinged:True Stories about Living with Mental Illness. The show was birthed and coached into life by Amy Saidman and Katy Barrett of Story District. Eight awesome storytellers took to the stage! Each told a tale about living with a mental illness, loving someone with a mental illness, or working in the field.
One of the stories was mine: Mary of Magdala, Seven Times out of her Mind.
And now I am manically, euphorically happy to tell you that on March 5th, Unhinged is being re-birthed as Mind Over Matter at The Atlas Center for the Performing Arts as part of The Intersections Festival.
This time five of us will be on stage to tell our true, first persons stories.
“With humor and honesty, Story District tackles the taboo with this 50 minute show about life with a mental illness. In it, we explore what it’s like to manage panic attacks, discover that you have a mental illness, spend time in psychiatric hospital care, be married to someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder, and deal with a sibling with multiple diagnoses while teaching others in same situation about how to manage.”
Q&A will follow performance. Presented as part of Atlas INTERSECTIONS Festival. Comments from the first production of this show:
Such honesty, humor, and energy. It was truly electric!
